Building Spiritual Muscle

You know, I’m in bad shape physically. Jesus has really been on me about it lately too, so I’ve relented and am surrendering; eating better, exercising more, getting more sleep, having better balance and boundaries in my life. In the past, HE seemed more concerned with my spiritual muscles than my physical ones but things have definitely shifted. Probably because I’m turning 50 next month, and if I don’t make some changes I won’t last much longer.

I know He loves me and only wants what’s best for me though, and I trust Him. But I haven’t always, and it’s still a struggle to trust Him in some things…

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. For some of you who know me well, it will not be a big surprise. Sharing this will require me to be even more transparent and vulnerable than I already have to be in my ministry work. Are you OK with that? I need to make sure because I find today that many people within the Christian community are not comfortable with real and authentic, especially from their leaders. There seems to be an expectation that as leaders we are supposed to have it all together. Yet I am just like everyone else…human; with fears, feelings and failures. If you don’t already know how fallible I am, you are about to find out! So here’s the secret…even though a good deal of my job requires me to speak publicly, I really hate public speaking. And every time God brings me the opportunity to do so, I resist, at least initially. I’ve been leading this ministry for a decade and yet each and every time I am asked to speak, my immediate response is to look for excuses not to do it, even when I KNOW God is the one bringing the opportunity. The reason I HATE it (and I realize that is a strong word but it is appropriate here) is because it illuminates every insecurity that is housed inside of me…how I look, how I talk, how I sound, how intelligent I sound or don’t sound…how I look. Can anyone empathize? So, when you’re standing in front of a bunch of people and sharing or teaching, being appropriately vulnerable, you really do risk rejection at a much higher level than in anything else that I can think of. And that’s a hard thing, because at the core we all just desperately need to feel loved and accepted for who we really are. For those who deal with same-sex attractions or have in the past, most often you can find a deep root of rejection. I am no exception.

I share all of that to set up an experience with God that I had many years ago….8 to be specific. I had spoken a handful of times; but those were mostly small intimate gatherings, when my Pastor asked me to speak at the local Baptist Bible College. He was willing to give me his entire chapel service time…almost an hour which was unheard of that a pastor would give up his entire pulpit time and then to a woman! Not common in my denomination anyway. As you can imagine, it was a big deal for me. I had spent a good amount of time in preparation. For weeks, I’d written and practiced, largely my testimony, but also about the new ministry I had founded in my church, this ministry. My boss in ministry would rib me regularly because just to share my testimony I would have like 20 pages of notes. Now, I’d made the font very large so I could read it but it was still a lot of pages! He on the other hand typically speaks with no notes. He is a “wing it” kind of speaker. My system was however the only way I could get in front of people and speak.

The morning of the event, I was in the shower when I heard the voice of the Lord…as clearly as I have ever heard it… without it being an audible voice. I knew though without a shadow of doubt that it was Him. I would have NEVER said this thing to myself. What I heard, standing in the dimly lit shower with steam all around me was, “No notes.” I said in my mind, “Excuse me?” sure that I’d misheard but just as sure that I had not. Again, “No notes.”  Immediately I replied, out loud, “What do you mean no notes! That is insane!!” and I argued with God as I finished in the shower, as I was dressing, while I was putting on makeup and fixing my hair. I was having a Jacob kind of wrestling match and yet I knew I would have to surrender my will to His. I had walked with him long enough and had enough personal experiences, especially with this speaking stuff to know that I could either do it on my own and be pretty pitiful or do it his way and be powerful. Angrily I conceded, “OK fine. I give up. Have it your way. But this is going to be a disaster!”

The entire ride over I was sick to my stomach, wringing my hands. I could barely speak to those who greeted me. I’m sure my pastor and other supporters were concerned because I was visibly shaken. I must tell you though that from the moment the pastor said my name, and I stood up and walked toward that stage, I have never felt that level of peace in my life–before or since for that matter. I also have never spoken that powerfully–before or since. I felt it. No one had to tell me, but they did. I knew I had their undivided attention from start to finish. And at the end, in this chapel that was filled, they lined up out the door to shake my hand. It was an amazing experience.

What was even more amazing is that a few weeks later, I was walking down the hall at my church and a staff member at that Bible college stopped me and said, “They still talk about you out at the school. They call you the ‘woman preacher’.” I was shocked. He went on to say that the thing he heard over and over again was how I stood and spoke so powerfully, non-stop for almost an hour, and didn’t miss a beat AND did not have a single note! They were amazed that I had no notes.

I learned a powerful lesson that day. I knew God was challenging me that day so that he could build my faith, to grow some spiritual backbone in me, strengthen my trust in him. I would need that for what was to come and boy have I ever needed that in this work…fortitude that is. But he did something very unexpected, He also built the faith and increased the trust in each and every future preacher in that chapel that day. That only happened because I said yes.

So what I’d like to ask you now is this…what do you need to say “Yes” to so that God can build spiritual muscle in not only you but also in someone else? It won’t be easy. Even after all that it’s still so hard for me to stand in front of others and speak. But I do. I say “Yes” every time God opens a door because I know I can trust Him. You can too!